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‘I will not unsee a factor. I cannot forgive something. I swear to jot down about it in order that nobody will ever neglect about it. And I will not forgive’
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Anastasia Nikulina, a Ukrainian author, storyteller, instablogger and e-book critic, has saved a diary of her life in Lviv since Russia’s invasion. It tells a narrative of hope and humour, resilience and rage.
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April 16, 2022
We known as our place within the bomb shelter Banana Avenue. It was my grownup tree-house underneath the bottom, our seats constructed from banana containers.
There’s a high-rise constructing the place I reside. It towers above the bottom. Below it, there’s a small makeshift city — simply between the automobiles and parking areas. Our males arrange a heat space for youngsters there. There was a heater and the house was separated by a cover. You felt such as you have been at a comfortable grandma’s house within the village. Subsequent to it have been different areas that have been settled in by folks like us — principally they have been stuffed with chairs, which we used to maintain on our balconies. Pallets, cardboard, and sleeping luggage with coats on prime.
I moved into my house in January. We had simply completed renovating. It’s been months, however I nonetheless name it new — I’m nonetheless not used to it being mine, and me being its. When every little thing is so contemporary and model new, you see each scratch, each flaw, and need to be sure that every little thing is OK. Then, growth… you will have a shack underneath your own home and all these scratches imply nothing now.
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Our bomb shelter is nothing particular — simply an underground parking storage. The builder of our advanced mentioned that the place was secure. There’s a thick layer of concrete and floor above it. There are a number of exits and there’s air flow. So it was a bit calmer there. We introduced some objects from the pantry: containers, items of parquet and foam. It was every little thing we had left after the renovation, and we joked that half of the pantry was additionally dragged down. T. made benches from what we had, so we might sit. Later, blankets have been introduced from our nation home — so tough, prickly, with their very own historical past, and it grew to become even hotter and softer. Our makeshift house sat inside an empty parking spot till sooner or later we noticed a automotive there — an enormous SUV that left us virtually no place to relaxation.
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We would have liked to discover a new spot. We walked via the storage and located a free house between some partitions, the place there was no place for a automotive, and moved our issues there. We purchased banana containers for 20 cents on the grocery store — they’re exhausting and might maintain our weight and, in comparison with the concrete ground, we don’t really feel as chilly on them. T. made three lengthy beds from them. We introduced sleeping luggage there. It’s heat in a sleeping bag. You possibly can simply lie down, and then you definitely go to sleep to the sounds of footsteps and conversations, neighbours strolling in circles, cats meowing, and kids driving scooters or simply working round.
There’s an everlasting winter underground — very chilly, virtually freezing. So once I hear the air-raid sirens, I costume for winter, even whether it is +16 outdoors. Once we went there for the primary time, I placed on three pairs of pants, a winter coat, gloves, and a shawl. The second time, I discovered my snowboarding pants and wore them, too. And a blanket to cowl all these layers of garments.
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At first, we had plenty of firm — 5 different neighbours whom we befriended originally of the warfare, a household from Kharkiv, one other household from Kyiv, my editor along with her daughter, a colleague from my publishing home along with her cat. Now there are three of us: me, T. and M. from Odesa, who lives with us. Every has their very own banana mattress. When there have been extra of us, it was extra enjoyable. We performed board video games, joked, and laughed loads. When there’s simply three of us: M. is on the telephone or speaking with me, T.’s taking part in on the telephone, too, and I’m studying some fantasy e-book.
When the warfare began, everybody knew they needed to pack their life into one backpack. I gained’t put my new house in a backpack. There’s too little house. However I’m grateful for it — grateful that it’s the manner I needed it to be. And I’m grateful for the banana containers. House is the place you’re. You’ll at all times take your self with you.
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Might 4, 2022
The final e-book I examine warfare was Julia Berry’s The Light Battle. I’d learn it as a e-book reviewer earlier than Feb. 24. It was a really light love story, set in opposition to the background of the First World Battle. What I didn’t anticipate from this e-book was that the story would begin with historic gods.
In Lviv, now we have our personal Greek gods standing on guard over the City Corridor. In Rynok Sq., within the metropolis centre, there are 4 fountains — three gods and one hero: Diana, Neptune, Amphitrite, and Adonis. 4 guards. It was so cozy to sit down on the vast rims of the fountains, particularly on heat summer season evenings, listening to the sound of guitars, typically singing alongside and typically simply leaning on the shoulder of a pal or lover.
Right now, although Lviv can appear like a traditional touristic metropolis, crowded with folks, our Greek gods are walled up, hidden, and closed. They’re wrapped in scaffolding for their very own safety.
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We couldn’t imagine that the warfare might come right here. By soldier’s ft. The statue of Diana is true in entrance of the volunteer centre, the place I’ve been working because the first days of the full-scale invasion. Once I noticed a fence being constructed round it, it thought, “No, is it actually taking place?”
Studying The Light Battle, it was tough to think about how folks can love, chortle, dance, and take heed to music when loss of life is lurking outdoors their window. When loss of life is lurking within the sky. I had by no means thought that I might additionally must reside throughout a warfare, to decide on the best way to reside. I discovered myself on this e-book. I reside in it now. And it’s terrifying.
February 28, 2022
Prior to now, it was bizarre to smile in the course of the warfare. However at the moment, humour has turn into our armour, strengthening armour that doesn’t help you fall into the abyss that appears at you day-after-day from the information. And what type humour works greatest? Life. Life tales that take you away from the freezing information, which makes you neglect the best way to breathe.
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It began with the hooligans from Obolon (Kyiv district) — the Ukrainian phrase for them is “hopniks.” These sorts of hooligans appeared to be extinct. In my childhood, hopniks stopped their victims, often hipsters or geeks, on the street and made them give their cash or cellphones. Fashionable hopniks merely cease enemy tanks. They take a bit of asphalt, make some threats, and pinch the tank from the Russians. Are you able to imagine that?
There was a girl from a Ukrainian village who advised an enemy soldier: put these seeds in your pocket, you f—ing fertilizer.
Then there was a grandmother, as type as a dandelion, who gave enemy troopers muffins with laxatives, after which set the bathroom on hearth as they have been defecating.
There was the girl who knocked down a Russian drone with a jar of salty tomatoes.
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There have been the Roma who introduced a cart filled with grenades on horseback. Or the identical Roma who stole tanks and introduced them to our troopers.
Fight geese — the patriotic birds who, out of worry, flew into Russian jet engines and downed planes. And fight bees, who stung troopers to loss of life.
What concerning the floor? The Ukrainian soil from Chernobyl additionally fights on our facet. As we are saying: you’ll be able to go away Chernobyl, however Chernobyl will stick with you wherever you go.
That is the second when everyone seems to be in your facet. Battle unites former enemies in opposition to evil.
The stupidity of the enemy appears misleading. It’s too straightforward and too fascinating to assume that every little thing is so good right here, and that the entire Russian tanks are caught within the swamps, or that they’re damaged, stolen, and destroyed. However within the midst of this sunny information, you understand that behind these victories are misplaced lives. Loads of lives of our guys, loads of civilian lives. A lot. And the worst half is that there’s nothing you are able to do with it.
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These humorous tales really feel like a bit of tractor attempting to get out an enormous tanker — like in that well-known meme.
In the meantime, one jerk joined the defence squad in Odesa after which shot his personal squad within the again. After all, he shall be discovered. Nevertheless it gained’t deliver these males again, and it hurts. It hurts.
March 1, 2022
I awoke in a horrible state. Morally devastated and exhausted. Guilt tormented me: as a result of I’m alive, that I’m all proper, that my kinfolk are alive, that everybody is close by and the air-raid sirens in Lviv are merely sirens, not planes. That we weren’t bombed as a lot as Kharkiv and Kyiv. I really feel responsible that it’s quiet right here. T. mentioned: “It is best to perceive that no metropolis, no individual from there would need you to be bombed.”
I instantly remembered my stepfather’s loss of life, once I couldn’t eat something. I purchased a bun. I picked up the bun and simply choked on guilt figuring out that he would by no means eat once more. He couldn’t eat something usually over the past months of his life, due to his most cancers. And I can simply do something. Do I’ve a proper to eat?
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Do I’ve the appropriate to reside the way in which I reside now? When folks in lots of cities of my nation don’t have even water or meals or sleep?
I needed to lie down and curl up and picture that there’s nothing and no one round. T. mentioned, “You possibly can’t lie down. You must go and do one thing.”
So we went to the volunteer centre. In peacetime, this was the library the place I might launch every of my new books. Now it’s a place of power the place volunteers (not solely from Lviv) collect to weave camouflage nets.
We have now the good neighbours: from Kharkiv, Donetsk, Kyiv, Odesa and Zaporija. We’re weaving nets collectively. I sneeze on a regular basis as a result of there may be quite a lot of mud, and I felt sick however I do know that it’s due to my nerves and morale. Over time, I weave my nets sooner and higher — observe helps. I think about how my internet shall be helpful, the way it will assist our warriors, the way it covers them and the way it will save them. The ladies began singing: “Our father Bandera, Ukraine-mother…”
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The siren stopped us within the library. It’s mentioned that the partitions are robust and that the primary factor is to maneuver away from the home windows. I name T. – he says that he’s in Sykhiv (one other a part of Lviv) and that he’ll cover there. I used to be nervous, however not like earlier than. It seems you can fear in numerous methods.
I visited pals: O. and V. I hugged them one after the other and hugged their cats — fluffy anti-stress. Once we’re collectively, I really feel as if it’s peaceable once more, as if every little thing is okay. However we solely discuss concerning the warfare. We hug to destress after which go house.
My pal from Kyiv, A., wrote me: “The web was minimize off from us. Cellular communication could be very dangerous, and a bomb was dropped on a neighbouring village.” Farewell. I can’t think about it, and it’s taking place proper now. I don’t need to imagine that we have to say goodbye. I attempt to imagine that every little thing shall be high-quality.
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A TV tower was bombed in Kyiv.
D. from Petersburg mentioned they have been advised on TV that they’d warned all civilians concerning the assault, that civilians had been requested to go away their houses to keep away from casualties. What? Wha-a-at? How might they warn Kyiv residents from Russia? How? Folks died. I hate them. I hate a lot. D. additionally logically understands that it’s a lie. He mentioned he confirmed my movies at work – the authorities there don’t present something about us. Everybody was shocked. A. from Kyiv wrote that communication and fuel have been restored to them. I exhale a bit of. However her son didn’t get in contact with both of us – he’s within the metropolis, serving to the territorial defence.
Al. (a colleague from my publishing home) wrote that she was leaving Kharkiv. She requested whether it is OK in Lviv. She mentioned, “I’m hysterical, are you able to inform me that Lviv is secure?” I calmed her down and mentioned, “Every part is quiet. We are going to meet you, take you and your cat at house, you’ll be able to keep at our home.”
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I learn information: “Highly effective explosions have been heard in Kyiv.” And I hate them. I hate, I hate.
The primary phrase I exploit in my chats with pals is “bitches.” Powerless and declarative.
We went to mattress. We’re going to satisfy Al. tomorrow. Let her arrive calmly.
A. wrote that her son was at house. I exhaled.
I want that the warfare would finish tomorrow. And I perceive that it’ll not finish.
April 22, 2022
Alex introduced a toy to the volunteer centre to assist youngsters de-stress — Ironman. The boys tried to kick the determine on the street, like a ball, nevertheless it didn’t work. So T. took a bit of fabric, wrapped it in scotch tape and made an actual ball. Once we heard the air raid sirens, we determined, for the primary time, to not cover. We went outdoors and commenced to cross the ball to one another. Then we performed “doggies” – a sport the place one participant is a “doggy,” attempting to catch a ball, whereas the opposite gamers cross the ball to one another. We have been even joined by a person in a smooth lion costume and one other man dressed as Spongebob. The sky was cloudy, like earlier than a storm. The weatherman promised rain at 5 or 6 p.m. When it rumbled within the sky, we thought it was thunder. It actually gave the impression of that. It thundered 3 times.
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A woman ran out of the library, panicked, shouting that we have been idiots and that we should cover within the shelter instantly. She shouted, “These have been explosions. We’ve been bombed!” We ran again. Then it grew to become clear that what we heard was not thunder.
My mom was at grandmother’s house, not distant from the explosions. They noticed every little thing burning, even a high-rise constructing. D. from Petersburg despatched a silly message concerning the shelling of army services. God, they’re loopy!
We sat between the partitions. Extra information adopted — there was a swarm of missiles flying in direction of us. First they mentioned there have been 17. Then 30. So scary! I wrote to my women. I began writing to my pals on Instagram.
We heard that smoke was seen close to us. After all these idiots ran outdoors to look at the smoke. N. (a 29-year previous boy who behaves like he’s 11) requested, “What’s it?” T. answered, “It’s a cloud! It’s going to rain.” N. believed it. I mentioned, “Rattling, you’ll be able to’t make enjoyable of a kid like that.”
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If you end up in a way of thinking the place your most important thought is, ”I could also be useless now,” it helps to share your emotions — to jot down about them to those that will hear you. And in reality it doesn’t matter what they write again. Something works. The information that you’re heard is soothing. I wrote to everybody that I really like them. I used to be actually overwhelmed with love. It’s so unusual to jot down about love when hatred overflows inside you. However actually, once you hear the air siren, you are feeling hate. Then you definately really feel worry and love. Whenever you hear explosions — worry and love. Whenever you study the place the explosions have been, it’s hatred. However love… it actually exists. I’m glad that I can inform so many individuals that I really like them. I’m glad that so many individuals can write me again that they love me. I thank the world for this love.
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We performed the sport “By no means have I ever” between our shelter partitions — a sport the place somebody says one thing they’ve by no means achieved and others bend a finger in the event that they did that factor. A participant who bends all of their fingers wants to decide on — to inform a reality or do a dare. It was very enjoyable and noisy. I felt youthful round these folks, as a result of all of them have been between 16 to 22 years previous and I’m 32.
April 3, 2022
After the most recent information, particularly the movies from Bucha, I see Lviv another way. I can’t unsee it, like hallucinations.
I can’t cease excited about the home windows of latest buildings, which are actually black from ceiling to ground and appear like eyes with cracks, lined with ash and concrete. Every kitchen sink has a rocket in it.
On the information, I noticed a bridge with flat, clear asphalt with a crowd of individuals huddled collectively underneath it. There have been males with yellow ribbons on their sleeves subsequent to the group. Each bridge I see now makes me consider this destruction.
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On my telephone, I noticed Russian troopers stealing. T-shirts and sports activities fits that also scent like different folks’s perfumes sit on hangers of their malls. Males’s fingers are swiftly packing garments in backpacks, stuffing them in opposition to jewellery nonetheless heat from folks’s our bodies. Cash that was presupposed to be invested into finding out at college, or a visit to Japan, or the restoration of a pal — all gone. Nonetheless heat. In another person’s backpack.
There’s an previous mannequin of bicycle known as “Ukraine.” Once I see folks driving new bicycles, I consider grandfathers driving in Lviv on their Ukraines, their bicycles like metal horses, and picture them on the bottom, their chests pierced.
Once I see folks standing close to merchandising machines, I bear in mind the useless in Kharkiv who have been killed searching for filtered water — they kind a line, sleeping endlessly beside empty bottles.
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I think about the suave wrought-iron fence of homes — homes with fluffy carpets and damaged doorways, inside that are certain fingers and ladies’s legs which can be wounded with purple constellations, and, on this constellation of wounds, I see Mars, vivid and pink.
In a tiny basement, the place rows of pickles are mendacity round, combined with issues that have been presupposed to be thrown away a very long time in the past, a useless mom rests.
I gained’t unsee a factor. I cannot forgive something. I swear to jot down about it in order that nobody will ever neglect about it. And I gained’t forgive.
March 8, 2022
“Are you aware what that’s?” — I confirmed a cobblestone to Vlada, my editor’s six-year-old daughter. They got here to us from Kharkiv.
“A cobblestone,” Vlada answered. The cobblestones have been nonetheless moist and darkish gray-blue after the rain. Just like the scales of a snake.
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“No. It’s a scale. A dragon scale. Are you aware {that a} dragon sleeps underneath Lviv? An enormous one, the scale of the entire nation. And his tail is entwined with a Excessive Fortress (the best level of Lviv), and on the tip of the tail, you see, that’s the place our flag is.”
“And when will the dragon get up?”
“He’ll get up throughout our biggest hardships and hazard and he’ll defend the town.”
Vlada beloved the story a lot that she began telling it to different youngsters she met. It was the primary good fairy story to return to me in the course of the warfare. At first I couldn’t write in any respect. Lots of my colleagues felt the identical manner. They mentioned, “I can’t write even a single line. Possibly I’m not a author anymore.” Solely rhyming strains got here to me. And it was unusual, as a result of I’m a prose author. However today I can solely talk about my emotions via poems.
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The facility of phrases is powerful. Earlier than the warfare, I had quite a lot of mystical coincidences associated to my books — like assembly the heroine of one among my tales, however 10 years older. This lady mentioned that every little thing that I described within the e-book occurred to her. That’s why I actually needed to jot down concerning the fast finish of the warfare, about our victory. However I couldn’t. Then different texts got here. Darkish and scary. That’s how the ache got here out of me. My pal Mila mentioned, “Now there may be quite a lot of ache, anger, hatred within the house, so you are feeling it and catch it.” Then I needed much more to jot down one thing optimistic, one thing that may assist those that would learn it.
The dragon-tale grew into the thought of a youngsters’s e-book, however who is aware of what’s going to come out of it. Then I wrote a poem. Pals from my volunteer centre put this poem to music, to the accompaniment of a guitar, and sang it within the library, whereas different volunteers continued to weave nets.
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The dragon slumbers underground —
the scale of a complete state.
Sleeping secure and sound,
A serpent’s dream is his destiny
The dragon slumbers underground,
However how can he awaken?
Thunder? Rocket? Siren? How?!
Will he go away us all forsaken?
Now not does he sleep –
The land is torn aside.
He stretches his fiery wings.
His solemn combat should begin.
The dragon rises on the sector
As fury takes him over.
Invulnerable, his scales a protect,
In his eyes rage glowers.
The dragon rises within the sky,
Awakening his buried brothers.
With a deep and mourning cry,
He avenges weeping moms.
He spreads his wings over the land,
In his eyes, victory glimmers.
At his breath, his foes disband
And disappear as sinners.
His job full, now he lies
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In a land of peaceable bushes.
The invaders swiftly died
For stirring this dragon nation.
I hope I’ll write this e-book and I do know precisely the way it ought to finish: with our victory.
February 24, 2022 (the full-scale warfare begins)
I began this diary to recollect. Every part dangerous, particularly the worst, is fastidiously suppressed by our reminiscence, erased a bit of to guard us. And I don’t need to neglect. I need to bear in mind what I felt in the course of the warfare, in order that future generations gained’t neglect, too. Diaries are our recollections — they outline us. They remind us of who we’re and what we went via. For those who neglect — historical past will repeat itself.
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